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Only Fool`s And Horse`s

Heroes & Villains

ONLY FOOL`S AND HORSE`S

The End Of The Best Sitcom Ever Made
No income tax, no VAT and certainly no guarantee of anything but laughs as Trotters Independent Trading Company hit the high rise world of inner city dealing...

Heroes & Villains Originally Transmitted 25/12/96
Trotters Independent Trading Company (TITCO) remains commercially unviable: Del is stuck with 125 unpredictable Latvian radio alarms, the council have rejected his home improvement grant application and Rodders is on a sex programme that would leave Roger Rabbit knackered. But when our fancy-dressed caped crusaders turn street vigilantes, they find that being on the right side of the law has its own rewards.

Modern Men

Modern Men
By John Sullivan Starring David Jason,
Nicholas Lyndhurst and Buster Merryfield

Modern Men
Little Damien is growing up fast but little else has changed in Mandela Towers as Del Boy,Rodders and Uncle Albert continue to lurch from one disaster to another.With the help of a new man's manual, Del is learning to give attention to Raquel - if only she'd stop talking while he's trying to read. Meanwhile Rodders, "accustomed
to the security of an irregular wage",is applying for a new job. Can the Trotter business empire survive without him?

Originally Transmitted 27/12/96

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The Story Below Is In Cumbrian Dielect

The Raffles Merry Neet

Come listen, I'll tell the' a stwory,
Eh ! man what a rare du' we've hed
Last neet at Bob Robson's at t'Raffles
I declare I've nit yet been a-bed.

Theer was fwoks frae a' parts o' the cuntry,
Frae Newby, frae Worton, an' Bow,
Frae Mworton, frae Newtown an' Grinsdel
An' frae Carel a canny gay few.

The Tinkers 'at camp aboot Millbeck,
An' Potters aboot Worton Green,
Was theer in rags an' in tatters,
Some o' them a sham to be seen.

Lang Charley, the Codogeate bully,
Wad feight ere a yen o' the pleace;
But nin o' them wanted ne' bodder,
Tho' some o' them cud him weel leace.

At last he gat quite past a' bearin',
On t'teable he smash't a girt jug'
Than Billy, the Miller o' Munkel'
Brang him a gud whelt o' the lug;

In t'garden they hed a lang lurry,
For Billy's a strang lytle chap,
At last he gat Charlie on t'buttock,
And whang'd him reet ower t'Bees' Cap.

I' t'loft they were rwoarin' an dancin';
Big Nancy, the greet gammerstang,
Went up an' doon t'fluir lyke a haystack,
An' fain wad hev coddled Ned Strang;

But Ned wad hev nowt to du' wid her
They say 'at she's nobbut hawf reet,
Forby, (but I waddent hev t'mentioned,)
She stops far ower leat oot at neet.

The lads at last put oot the candles,
The lasses than raised a greet yell;
Young Lonny, the smith, gat weel hammer'd,
For things it wad nit du' to tell.

The landlord com in i' the meantime,
As wild just as ony March hare,
An' swore he wad whang a' aboot him
But to fin' them he cuddent tell where.

The fiddle was brokken to splinters;
The windows went oot wid a smash,
The glass was a' brokken to pieces,
Theer wasn't a yell pane i' the sash.

The fwoks raised a whully ba-lurry;
The landlord was crazy an' mad
The landlady stuid ahint t'teable,
Her luiks wer' beath solemn an' sad.

Odswinge ! says the landlord, I'll bray them,
If I hed but nobbut my flail,
I'll batter the'r heids soft as poddish,
If I shou'd for it lig i' th' jail :

A parcel o' Codogeate rubbish,
'At hevvent a penny to spen';
They leeve just by leein' an' steelin'
On t'roost yen can scarce keep a hen.

He keav'd reet away to th' haymu',
Still gollerin' as loud as he cud,
An' stagger'd 'gean twea i' th' corner,
Whose object he thowt wasn't good;

Od'dal ! but I'll whelt ye, he shooted
An' rwoar'd oot beath loodly an' lang,
Till t'lantern was fetch'd, when th' tweasome
Was priuved to be Nancy and Strang.

Big Nancy was ne' way confoonded,
She said they wer' duin' nowt rang;
She just hed cum oot for a breathin'
And happen'd to meet wid Ned Strang.

The landlord hed noo gitten t'souple,
He'd mischief 'twas plain in his 'ee;
He struik reet an' left an' aboot him,
An' varra suin meade them a' flee.

He struik at a' maks 'at he com to,
Beath women an' men hed to jump;
An' blinded wi' rage an' wid fury,
He pelted away at the pump.

Some lads wer' ahint the dyke laughin',
To see him quite foamin wi' rage;
They fain wad ha' dabb'd him wi' clabber,
But nin o' them durst him engage.

The lads an' the lasses in t'lonnin'
Wer' pairin' lyke t'sparrows in t'spring,
And parlish things happen'd which ne' doot
On some o' them sorrow will bring;

But I's nit th' yen to tell secrets,
Tho' mony a yen I cud tell,
I'll leave the' to guess at my meanin'
For t'present I'll bid the' farewell.

Songs And Ballads Of Cumberland And The Lake Country, by Sidney Gilpin,
published in London by John Russell Smith, and in Carlisle by G. & T. Coward, 1874.

Only Fools And Horses
Time On Our Hands

Time On Our Hands
By John Sullivan Starring David Jason,
Nicholas Lyndhurst and Buster Merryfield

It seemed the usual Trotter farrago: Raquel's
parents visiting for dinner, Rodney doing a stock
take (artificial leg, Showaddywaddy LPs...).
Then Del invites Raquel's antique-dealing father to
take a look at the junk store he calls a lock-up.
What he finds takes our heroes to Sothebys, and
beyond their wildest dreams. "This time next
year, Rodders, we'll be..."

"The final episode of the best comedy series I've ever seen hilariously lived up to its great tradition and at times even surpassed itself." The Sun

All The Information about Only Fools And Horses, sourced from BBC VIDEO covers

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